Can You Believe This is Not Only Allowed but Condoned? Part 3

[If you’re just now joining us, start at the beginning of this story.]

Of course I don’t “play with myself,” because if I do, it means I’m breaking a commandment and I’m evil and sick and wrong and I won’t be worthy to go to the Temple with all of my friends to do baptisms for the dead, and all my friends will wonder why I’m not with them and I’ll be embarrassed beyond belief and the worst thing of all? My parents won’t love me anymore.

“Did you hear about Bill and MaryAnne? Their daughter, Beatrice, plays with herself. What a shame. And such a good family too.”

“No,” I say vehemently. “Gross.”

“Good,” says the Bishop in all his righteousness and holiness and I should probably add perverty-ness, because I guaran-damn-tee you that he’s sportin’ wood during this interview. Bishops are hardly ever at home with their families because they’re “conducting worthiness interviews” with young teenage boys and girls and getting off on them and sportin’ wood and thinking disgusting thoughts and our parents are letting them do it!

It won’t be for about another 40 years until all of the sexual abuse stories begin to surface and someone dares to ask if having these “powerful” men alone with teenagers asking dirty questions is really such a smart idea.

And for this, they get rewards in heaven. And probably 19 virgins. Oh wait…that’s what the “Bishop’s interviews” are for.

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