The family that plays together…ends up hating each other by the end of the game and someone is always crying

  • Gonk August 1981 “You could join FHA,” Michele suggests as we walk into “5, 7, 9.” She and I talked our moms into letting us go to the mall for a few hours to “shop.” My mother thought it was ridiculous. “What do you girls need to go to the mall for?” OK, the truth is that ...
  • Death in the Basement 2017 “Your dad and I had dinner with David last night,” Mom says. “Oh, really? How’s David?” I ask. “Well, it looks like he’s gained quite a bit of weight.” I don’t want to talk about weight. Weight is sad and depressing and I hate that the first thing Mom told me about my cousin is that ...
  • Mom’s Bowels 2017 Do all mothers like to talk about bowels as much as mine does? I mean, what the fuck, Mom? I’m sitting at lunch with my parents at one of my favorite restaurants in town—-the fact that the food is delicious doesn’t make it my fave as much as the fact that it’s across the street from ...
  • Angels We Have Heard on High 1984 I took piano lessons for years. Years and years and years. Of course I whined and complained about it, what piano-playin’ kid didn’t? But like all piano playin’ kids, I’m grateful that I suffered through years of practicing, lessons, and recitals, because ultimately, of course, it paid off. After all those years, I’m able to ...
  • My Funeral – Part 2 My eulogy will go a little something like this: “Hello everyone at my funeral! Thank you so much for coming to celebrate the fabulousness that was me. First of all, just know that I’m very happy here. Heaven is exactly what I hoped it would be. I lay on the beach ...
  • My Funeral – Part 1 I attended a funeral recently that was…sad. Well, it was ok. Well, ok, it was sad, because it was a funeral, but it was also sad, because none of the speakers were very good and didn’t do their father’s life true justice. So as I sat there not crying, I determined that I want exceptional ...
  • Sisters 2017 My parents were blessed with six daughters. I use the word “blessed,” because my mother uses the word “blessed.” I have no idea what word my father uses. He doesn’t say much. I’m the third daughter, which means that I have two older, perfect sisters and three younger, perfect sisters who have never screwed up or ...
  • The Beginning October 2012 “How the f**k did I get here?” That’s the question I asked myself as I lay in bed. Not just any bed, by the way. The bed in the guest room of my parents’ basement, because, guess what, I lived there. I was unemployed, divorced, fat, and living in my parents’ basement at the age ...