How Do I Do What? – Part 2

March 2020

After a few pleasantries Gary gets into the interview. The standard questions, “tell me about yourself,” “what qualifies you for this position,” “tell me about a time when you and a co-worker full on hated each other and wished for the slow, painful, untimely demise of each other and how you resolved the conflict without axes.”


But then he surprises me. I’ll give him that: Gary surprises me.

He asks, “How do you stay young?”

Did he really just ask me that? How do I stay young?

“Well, let’s see,” I say, “after I’ve taken your company for everything that you’re worth, because of the age discrimination lawsuit I’m about to file, I’mma buy the black Louboutin pumps, a yacht, a fabulous home on Nantucket, a villa in Mykonos, contribute to the Humane Society, Best Friends Animal Society, ASPCA, and Alzheimer’s research, and never have to work for age discriminating fucks like you ever again!”

That’s how I stay young.

Chill out! I don’t say that. I can actually control myself.

Instead I say, “Well, I guess I could get a boob lift, a tummy tuck, liposuction, botox, and a Cabana Boy, but looking young has nothing to do with staying young, now does it?”

Unfortunately, I don’t say that either. I wish I could say that. I wish I could say all of that, but I need a job, damnit.

“Well, um, I’m not really sure what you’re looking for here, but I love Post Malone, does that count? Fleabag is one of my favorite shows. I love to read…”

“Read??” he interrupts and is incredulous. “Read?? Reading isn’t young. Reading is old! Nobody reads anymore! Our CEO is in his 50s and he’s the first one to get on the water skis and try new jumps! He’s the best snowboarder in our whole company – always the first down the mountain. He jumps out of airplanes, he…”

Oh, so you mean adventurous. Taking risks. You equate risk taking with staying young.

Hmm. That’s interesting, because isn’t risk taking different for everyone? For example: for some people, taking a risk is public speaking. For some people, taking a risk is auditioning for community theater. For some people, taking a risk is voicing a concern to a hostile boss. For some people, taking a risk is leaving an abusive relationship and having the courage to be alone rather than to be belittled, mocked, criticized, bullied, and slapped every day. For some people.

Other people can afford the boat and the water skis. Other people are healthy enough to snowboard. Other people actually have the desire to jump out of a plane.

Since when does staying young mean putting your life at risk?

And since when does “reading” make you old?? No one reads anymore? Reading is no longer taught in schools? Instead we teach snowboarding, because in the future snowboarding will make you a more viable job candidate?

Well, not that it matters, since I’m never going to see you again in my life, you age discriminating fuck, but does traveling through Hong Kong all by my little old self count as taking a risk? How about Warsaw, Poland – all alone? What about shark diving in South Africa? Bungee jumping? Hiking Angel’s Landing? Zip lining? Surely, zip lining counts as taking a risk. People die doing that every day.

As soon as the interview ends, I practically run to my car and crank Ministry. Yes, Ministry is a band that was big in the 90s, so I imagine fuckhead in there would consider it old, but Ministry is my mood right now.

Ministry is loud, angry, rebellious, and black steel-toed boots. I love it.

Hey wait. Don’t the words loud, angry, rebellious, and black steel-toed boots epitomize teenagers? Epitomize youth?

So who’s staying young now, bitch? Ha.

Actually, I guess I don’t want to sound like a teenager, because that’s not a compliment, and it’s a little embarrassing. So, never mind.

But I’m still cranking Ministry.

You’re not the boss of me, Gary.

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