Thank you for your interest in blah blah blah…many qualified individuals blah blah…after reviewing your blah…you were not fucking selected for blah…blah…fucking blah…feel free to apply for future fucking opportunities at this fucking company even though we’re not remotely interested in hiring you, you fucking loser.
What the hell, you guys? Did you recruiters and HR teams learn how to write this prosaic email in HR school?
More likely, some stupid lawyer somewhere patented this verbiage and sold it to every fucking company in the entire world so that said companies won’t get sued.
With this canned email, the nice HR Recruiter won’t slip and say something like, “the women who interviewed you just didn’t like you, because they’re insecure, intimidated, mean-ass bitches” or “you’re a little too old for our team – everyone else is under 35” or “you’re too fat and unhealthy to work for a health and wellness company” or “the men here are assholes and only want to hire middle-aged white men like themselves.”
But I get it, you know. I can tell from the company website or the one interview that you did give me what your culture is like and exactly what you’re looking for, and nine times out of ten, it isn’t me.
When you only have pictures of Millennials on your website, I know that you’re going to think I’m too old – I couldn’t possibly learn new technology or have creative ideas.
When you only have pictures of people lifting weights and running marathons on your website, I know that you’re going to think I have no pride or discipline and can’t take better care of my body. But what you don’t know is that my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few months ago, and I know this insidious disease is genetic, so health and wellness have become my top priorities. I’ve already lost 15 pounds, by the way. Oh, and NOT by using your over-priced, high-protein, low-carb shake mix. The Yelp reviews for that shit are abysmal. You might want to do something about that.
When your executive team and board of directors include 2 women out of 17 people, I know that you find my vagina icky and just the thought of hiring another woman makes you laugh, because women are silly and histrionic; besides, you’ve already hit your vagina hiring quota for the next five years.
Ok, this isn’t getting me anywhere. I’m changing my attitude right now! Taking a deep breath, getting another cup of coffee, opening some more websites and finding myself a job!
Do the exclamation points adequately convey my sarcasm? Is there a sarcasm emoji that might make it more obvious? Does sarcasm lead to the basement? (See The Beginning.)
Oh look! A website with a happy white family cavorting through a meadow! Let me guess: one of your company values is diversity.
Breathe, Beatrice. Coffee, Beatrice. Put down the chocolate, Beatrice.