Dear Neighbor Down the Hall Who Means Well:
Please, please, please don’t give me advice on how to find a job. I know you mean well, but let’s be honest, you haven’t had to job hunt in over 15 years and I have and you’ve just been laid off for the first time in your life and I’ve been through this before and you’ve just discovered LinkedIn and I was so over LinkedIn 5 years ago.
I know that job hunting is about connecting and reaching out to your network and who you know not what you know and that you have to post every day and keep your name out there for “top of mind awareness” and I know that you just learned that term in one of your LinkedIn “Finding a job during Covid” networking groups and I know that you’re excited about all the connections you’ve recently made and all the jobs out there and all the applications that you’ve been filling out and that you’re confident you’re going to have a new job in 15 minutes because you’ve joined LinkedIn networking groups and they’re going to “keep their eyes and ears open for you” as you begin this new chapter in your life and it’s all so exciting and nobody, including you, can wait to see where you land!
Talk to me in 10 months, bitch.
Ok, that was mean. I shouldn’t call you a bitch. You’re not a bitch at all. You’re actually a really nice person. You’re always smiling and asking me how I’m doing. You’re the person in the building who is the most willing to help in any situation. You bring me lentil soup whenever you make it, because you know I love it. You’re truly a decent, impressive human.
But see, here’s the thing: I’ve hired a very expensive career coach. I hired her in March to help me get a great new job with a beautiful new salary. She worked on my resume and LinkedIn profile with me. She helped me write an email that included numbers and data – but no sentences, just bullet points, because busy people don’t read sentences. We had mock interviews and she critiqued my interviewing skills. All was working and I was getting interviews and then…Covid. Economic shutdown.
So we refocused in May and used the same strategy. It worked a little less well.
Same strategy in August. No results whatsoever.
It’s time for the two of us to brainstorm and re-strategize, and I sent her an email and a text about two weeks ago, and it just occurs to me that I haven’t heard back.
She’s probably as scared and clueless as her clients. Maybe even more so. We’ve all paid her a lot of money, after all, and we expect results.
But my non-responsive, expensive career coach is not the point here. The point is that I know a lot more about job hunting than you do and I’m doing everything right and I can’t take anymore of your unsolicited, extremely unhelpful advice.
That’s why I’m avoiding you. I thought you should know.
Acting bitchy towards non-bitches is a thing and I’m not proud of it, but I do it and I have to stop or I’m not gonna have any friends or anyone who loves me and I’m going to be stuck in that fucking basement forever. (See The Beginning.)