I was raised LDS. It’s a religion, by the way, and yes, you’ve heard of it: Mormons. Ah, yes, you’re thinking. The Mormons. The weirdos who have a million wives with bad clothes and even worse hair. The people with a million kids who are home schooled and only allowed to read spiritual stuff. Wait, isn’t it a cult?

Let me stop you right there, because what you’re thinking is wrong. You’re thinking about an extreme, fundamentalist group that is not associated with the LDS faith. I know you’d like to believe that myth, because it’s kind of weird and creepy and awesome in a “those-people-are-nuts” kind of way, and yes, those people exist, but those people are not LDS.

You understand? Those people are not LDS. You got it? Those people are not LDS.

I have to make that perfectly clear before we go any further in this “why-is-Beatrice-fucked-up-for-lack-of-a-better-word” excursion, because if you continue to believe that silliness, you and I are not going to get along. Unless you like whiskey, then we might get along. Or Rambauer Chardonnay. Do you love Rambauer Chardonnay? I love it, it’s my favorite!

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, Mormons. I am one. Or, well, I was raised one, but I’m not one anymore. Haven’t been for almost 30 years. And yet my family still loves me and I still love them and they respect me and I respect them, but this history definitely plays into how I ended up living in my parents’ basement, so I wanted to mention it right up front.

And now that we’ve got that out of the way, we can move forward. But before we do, go pour yourself a shot of Defiance Whiskey. Oh it’s a thing. It’s a whiskey from North Carolina and it’s quite delicious, not to mention apropos.

Useless trivia moment: Mormons don’t drink whiskey.

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